


letters from the fallen (i promise i’ll come back alive)

by jaytriestowrite



Series: through hell i'll run (to be by your side) [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - War, Alternate Universe - World War II, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Felix doesn't deserve this, Fluff and Angst, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, M/M, Making Out, Multi, soldier! changbin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:40:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23769388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaytriestowrite/pseuds/jaytriestowrite
Summary: My love,I love you, I miss you and I'm sorry.Yours always,Changbin-----Changbin, deployed to the front lines of the war, sends letters home to Felix as often as possible. These are the last three he ever sent.----A/N: I promise this isn't as angsty as it seems...
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Minor or Background Relationship(s), the last one is only there if you squint
Series: through hell i'll run (to be by your side) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1716448
Comments: 15
Kudos: 128





	letters from the fallen (i promise i’ll come back alive)

**Author's Note:**

> full disclaimer that I know nothing about the military or war so this is probably highly inaccurate 
> 
> thx @[galaxialapine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxialapine) for beta-ing :)

Felix stared despondently into the fireplace. It was a Saturday which, before the war, would have meant date night. If it weren’t for the war, he and Changbin would probably be out for dinner at the café down the street, or maybe taking a walk down the waterfront. Now, though, Changbin was an ocean away- far, far out of reach.

“Mail’s here!” Jeongin leapt up from his perch on the sofa, where he was peering out of the window. His voice pierced through the wistful fog in Felix’s brain, and Felix snapped to attention, quickly tumbling of the armchair and joining Jeongin in running to the door. “I can’t wait to see what Seungminnie and Hyunjinnie wrote me. I bet Changbin-hyung wrote you a really long letter too!”

They exchanged pleasantries quickly with the mailman, a man around their age named Minho who had lost his left arm in a mining accident several years ago but had retained his sharp tongue and witty sense of humour. Minho handed them their mail, and with a few more jibes, waved them goodbye as he continued on his rounds.

“So many letters!” Jeongin exclaimed in excitement, and Felix laughed at the small mountain Jeongin’s letters had formed.

“Well, you do have 2 boyfriends,” Felix reminded him. “I’m surprised there aren’t more, honestly.” He smiled equally brightly at the three letters of his own. He might not have had as many letters, but that didn’t matter. His Changbinnie liked writing long, sweet letters, while Hyunjin, the older (and more dramatic) of Jeongin’s boyfriends, tended to write many shorter ones, making Jeongin’s pile bigger. With a soft smile on his face, Felix folded his legs under himself as he settled down on his armchair to read.

_Dear Lixie,_

_The weather here is wonderful today. It’s sunny, for once, and we just passed through a huge, green pasture. It reminds me of the times before everything went to shit. Remember that day when you dragged me out of bed at ass o’clock in the morning and made me take you to the dog park? I remember cursing at you and trying to pull you back into bed to cuddle, but we both know you’re a stubborn bastard, and I’ve always been too whipped to deny you anything, so we ended up going to the park anyway. And you spent all your time playing with other people’s dogs instead of paying attention to me, and I got so jealous that I sulked for the next three days. And then I pretended to be mad for the rest of the week because you kept kissing me to try and make me feel better._

_Oh, the things I would give to be able to take you to the dog park and watch you play with other people’s dogs now. I miss you so much, my Lixie._

_Besides missing you so much that my heart is dying to swim back across the ocean and re-join you, I’m doing fine. Well, I almost burnt down the commander’s tent yesterday while cooking dinner, but I’m going to blame that on Hyunjin because he used way too much strength when fanning the flames. (Do you think Jinnie did it on purpose so that he could get Seungmin alone in the infirmary? They’re already joined at the hip but they keep finding more ways to be together all the time. I think they miss Jeongin as much as I miss you.)_

_Take care of yourself, okay? You’re probably being all sad and mopey because our anniversary passed and I’m still leagues away. Please don’t be upset with me! I tried to tell my Commander to let me go home, but apparently, I’m a “moron who’s gonna get shot out of the sky”. So I did try! I really did! I promise I’ll make it up to you when I get home. In the meantime, I put a little present into the envelope. I think you’ll like it._

_I love you and I miss you._

_Loving you always,_

_Your Binnie_

Felix laughed lightly, blinking away the tears that had sprung up as he read the letter. He missed Changbin so much too, and his heart ached as he remembered the day Changbin was describing. It had been just a few months into their relationship, and in the week following the incident, Felix had felt extremely guilty about making Changbin sad. It had led to him peppering kisses on his boyfriend’s closed eyelids, across his cheeks, against his knuckles and the insides of his wrists. And then Felix had realised Changbin was feigning it and proceeded to withhold kisses for a week, which was cut short by Changbin pinning him against the wall not 3 hours later, whispering sorry between soft kisses that made Felix’s heart race.

The memory made Felix smile, and he smiled even wider when he reached into the envelope and found a small, wooden keychain, carved into the shape of a dog. He knew Binnie had been learning how to do woodcarvings from a comrade, an older man by the name of Ten, and clearly, he was a fast learner, since the dog was fairly life-like. (It was at least better than the cat he had tried to make a few weeks ago, which looked more like a mutated sausage than anything else.) He ran his fingers over the keychain as he picked up the next letter.

_Dear Felix,_

_I think I jinxed it in my last letter. Ever since I sent it, the rain’s been pouring non-stop. I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have dry feet. When I get back, let’s move somewhere without rain. The Sahara Desert is starting to sound pretty nice._

_I accidentally walked in on Hyunjin and Seungmin again, and can I just say that that’s a sight I never want to see again. And then they had the nerve to make me wash the dishes after dinner as punishment, as if it was my fault that they couldn’t find some place better to make out in other than behind the medicine cabinet. Please tell Jeongin to make his boyfriends stop bullying me. I don’t deserve this disrespect :(_

_The fighting was a little closer today, but before you get worried, I’ll just reassure you that I’m perfectly fine. (Clearly, since I’m writing to you now.) There’s still an entire village between us and them, and we have plenty of firepower if anything happens. (Which won’t because the pilots are doing a really good job of keeping them at bay). I think the news might have made it seem much scarier than it is actually is. I’m not even injured at all! Well, except for my pride. I lost my last pair of clean socks to a little brat named Renjun, because apparently that runt can chug water faster than most people can breathe. (Please mourn the loss of my socks with me. I hate having muck between my toes.)_

_I think the tide of this war is turning, my love. I’ll be back home soon! Have your bag packed and ready to go please, let’s take a vacation to the desert._

_I love you and I miss you._

_Forever yours,_

_Binnie_

Felix giggled as he read this one. It seemed Changbin was in a good mood. Felix could almost hear Changbin whining about his mistreatment, could almost see him materialised in front of him, lower lip jutted out in a pout as he kicked his legs in good-natured frustration. He sighed, a fond smile gracing his lips as he imagined how Changbin’s voice would raise itself several octaves as he faked tears and demanded Felix exact revenge on them for him.

Feeling light, he peeled back the seal of the last letter. Instantly, however, his heart leapt into his throat, his good mood evaporating. Contrasted against the pristine whiten envelope, this letter was yellowed, crumpled and- oh God, was that blood? His heart raced as he unfolded the paper, dread pooling in his stomach.

_My love,_

_My hands are shaking as I write this. I don’t know if this will be my last letter to you. I really, really hope it isn’t, but things aren’t looking too good over here. We’ve been cornered in some old citadel. I think you would’ve liked it, if you’d seen it before the war. There are murals all over the walls, and it looks like the windows used to be stained glass._

_The higher-ups say help isn’t coming, and as I’m writing this, the order of ‘every man for himself’ has been given. I don’t know if you still remember what that means from back when I tried to teach you military stuff, but basically, they’re telling us we can do anything we want now. That it’s is over._

_You’re probably crying now, Lixie. Please don’t cry. My heart hurts just thinking about it. I’m sorry this letter is so solemn. I’m sorry I can’t be back home with you to wipe your tears away. I’m so, so sorry._

_I just realised I’ve smeared blood on the paper. Don’t worry too much, Lixie, it’s just a little scratch. Seungmin laughed at me when I showed it to him; he just stuck a band-aid on and shooed me away._

_I promise I’ll do my best to survive, my Lixie. I promised you I would come back, and I’ll be damned if I don’t keep my word._

_I love you, I miss you and I’m sorry._

_I love you, Lix-ah. Whatever happens, remember that._

_Yours always,_

_Changbin_

Felix was openly sobbing when he reached the end of the letter. Across the room, Jeongin had stiffened, letters slipping out of his grasp and fluttering to the ground. He staggered backwards until his back hit the wall behind him, upon which he slid down until he was sitting against the wall, head in his hands as he tried to make sense of what he’d read.

“Did you- did Changbin- Seungmin said- Hyunjin-,” Jeongin stuttered out. He took a deep breath as if to steady himself before continuing. “Are they dead?”

“No,” Felix replied, his voice hard, fingers crumpling the bloodied letter. “We don’t know that they’re dead. They haven’t sent us the last letter or a folded flag so _they aren’t dead_.”

“Hyung, they were trapped on an island with no place to go,” Jeongin said through tears. “What do you think could have happened? The government sure as hell didn’t up and rescue them.”

“They’re not dead!” Felix yelled. “He’s not dead,” he muttered, clutching the letters tightly even as he tears began to smear the ink. “He can’t be.”

\---

Over the next few weeks, Felix fell into a numb haze. Everything reminded him of Changbin. The pictures on the mantle had been chosen by his boyfriend, yet he had been too short to reach the shelf to put them up. Felix had woken up to him pouting as he hopped obstinately, and he’d doubled over in laughter at his boyfriend’s plight. Felix had been the one to put them there in the end, under Changbin’s watchful eye, and Changbin had kissed him sweetly afterwards to say thank you. Felix had been the one who decided the wallpaper in their bedroom. It was an ugly muted purple with lime green flowers, but Changbin’s horrified face when he saw it for the first time had made Felix laugh so hard that he wheezed for several minutes, and thereafter decided that they absolutely had to keep it now. From the broken dresser by the bed to the fancy vase of withering flowers, Changbin had touched everything. And Felix couldn’t help falling into old memories.

The house was eerily silent as both Jeongin and Felix receded into themselves, hearts aching too much to do anything. Their friends tried desperately to cheer them up, but neither bothered trying. Chan’s attempts to talk to them fell on deaf ears, while Jisung’s comforting smiles were met with dead stares, and when Minho tried to make small talk with them whenever he passed by their house with no mail to deliver, he was greeted by a door slowly swinging shut in his face. What was the point? Their boyfriends were gone, and they weren’t coming back.

It only got worse when men in crisp military uniforms turned up on their doorstep, three folded flags in their hands and a sombre tone to their voices. He vaguely registered Jeongin breaking down into a new wave of tears, but all Felix could do was clutch the flag to his chest brokenly as he curled up in the armchair- _their_ armchair- and stared into the fireplace, whispers of broken promises echoing in his ears.

_You promised._

\---

It was the dead of night when Felix was woken up by the sound of something shattering in the kitchen. He considered just staying in his room and going back to sleep, but eventually dragged himself out with a groan. His feet moved stiffly as he shuffled down the hallway.

He found Jeongin in the kitchen, standing eerily still as he stared at the floor. Felix rounded the counter and saw a shattered mug on the ground, and he realised with a pang what it was.

“That was Jinnie’s mug,” Jeongin whispered, voice hoarse from weeks of disuse. “His favourite mug, because I bought it for him. I thought, for a second that he would come running out of our room screaming bloody murder and squish my cheeks so hard they go red. And then Minnie would come and pacify him and glue it right back together. And then three of us would go right back to cuddling under the blankets. But that’s never going to happen again.” Jeongin looked up at Felix with tears shining in his eyes. “Felix, it’s never going to happen again.”

And that was what tipped Jeongin over the edge, a keening, broken sob ripped from his throat. The tears slipped down his cheeks as he trembled, but Felix could say nothing. What was there to say? His Binnie wasn’t coming back either. He sat down mutely and let Jeongin collapse into his arms. All they could do was hold each other on the ceramic tiles, pretending they weren’t just as broken as the shattered mug next to them.

\---

A knock on the front door woke them up the next morning. Felix blinked his eyes open slowly, groaning when he felt a crick in his neck from his unnatural sleeping position on the floor. Jeongin was curled into his side, eyes furrowed even in his sleep. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the kitchen cupboards, unable to bring himself to get off the floor. It was probably just Minho inviting them over for tea again, and Felix honestly couldn’t care less.

He would have gone right back to sleep without a second thought if there hadn’t been another knock, this one more persistent than the first. Jeongin grumbled a bit and turned over in his sleep. Felix sighed deeply through his nose and pulled himself to his feet. He trudged over to the door, wholly ready to glare Minho in the eyes.

He swung the door open for the first time in months. It creaked dangerously, but Felix couldn’t be bothered to worry. He waited with unfocused eyes as he waited for Minho to start jabbering.

But he didn’t.

Instead, Felix’s mouth fell open in shock as he saw two taller men on the porch, bone-weary and gaunt, but with beams stretched across their faces as they stood together hand-in-hand. Felix had to cough a few times before he found his voice.

“Hyunjin?” He croaked. “Seungmin?”

The taller of the two grinned impossibly wider. “Hi Felix,” he replied. “Is Jeongin home?”

Felix’s mouth moved soundlessly as his eyes darted between the two men, unable to process the information.

_They’re alive? But they were dead. But they’re alive! Then- Binnie-_

A voice from inside the house interrupted his train of thought. “Felix?” Jeongin called, voice rough with sleep. Immediately, Hyunjin’s and Seungmin’s heads whipped in the direction of their boyfriend’s voice and they wasted no time in shouldering past him and rushing into the house. Without Hyunjin and Seungmin blocking his view, Felix’s gaze fell to the shorter man behind them he hadn’t noticed before.

He had lost a lot of weight, and there were scars on his face that weren’t there before, but Felix knew that smile anywhere. Felix could feel tears beginning to pool in his eyes.

“You’re back,” he whispered, reaching out to cup Changbin’s cheek. “You’re really back.” He caressed Changbin’s cheek gently, unable to believe he was really _there_ , under his fingers.

“Well, I promised,” Changbin replied, leaning into his touch. It didn’t seem like he quite believed he was back either.

Felix let out a breathless laugh, eyes shining with happy tears. “This isn’t a dream, right?” he asked, stepping closer to Changbin. “This is real.”

Changbin interlaced his fingers with Felix’s, rubbing his thumbs reassuringly over the back of his. “I’m right here, Lixie,” Changbin said, softly as though the words were only for Felix to hear. “And I’m never leaving you again.”

Felix’s vision went hazy as his tears overflowed. He surged forward, throwing his arms around the shorter man, leaning his entire weight on him as he buried his face in his neck. He smiled as he felt Changbin press kisses into his hair and tightened his grip, crushing his boyfriend into his chest. They stood like that for a while, just swaying together on the doorstep.

After a while, Felix pulled away slightly, holding Changbin’s face in his hands as he studied him. There was a scar under his eye now, which he leaned forward and kissed gently. There was also a series of scratches across the right side of his face, which he kissed too. And there was a jagged line running from the corner of his lips to his chin, and he leaned forward to kiss that one too.

Changbin sighed the butterfly kisses being peppered across his face, then tilted his head to capture Felix’s mouth in his. Felix’s gasp of surprise was muffled by Changbin’s lips pressing insistently against his. Changbin kissed him like he intended to devour him, fingers gripping his waist so tightly Felix was sure it would leave bruises.

Felix had never liked rough kisses, but he needed this. Needed this physical reminder that Changbin was really here, that he was back, that he wasn’t dead, that he would never be leaving again. He gasped at the feeling of Changbin trailing wet kisses down his neck, pausing to nip at the skin of his collarbone, licking the spot to soothe it before kissing back up his neck and to his lips. He dug his fingers into Changbin’s unkempt hair and tugged, eliciting a moan from the older, which Felix greedily swallowed. He clutched desperately at Changbin, pulling him impossibly closer by the threadbare collar of his shirt. He couldn’t help the low-pitch groan that escaped his lips as Changbin slipped his fingers under his shirt just as he sucked particularly hard on his tongue.

It probably would have gone on further had Minho not appeared in the driveway.

“Hey Felix! Jisung wants to know if you and Jeongin are coming over for- Oh.” Minho halted in his steps as Felix and Changbin slowly separated from each other. “You guys go on, I’ll just run home and tell Jisung the good news,” he called, smirking at them.

Felix laughed, really laughed, for the first time in months, as he turned his attention back to Changbin, just taking him in, drinking in the sight of him on their doorstep. There was so much to be said, so many explanations to be made, but those could wait. For now, Changbin was alive, and that was all that mattered. 

_-end-_

**Author's Note:**

> should i make this a series? i'm thinking about writing from changbin's pov... and I really wanna write a hyuninmin backstory
> 
> i love hyuninmin so much someone please write more fics for them


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